I am suddenly hit with a perennial quandary: What am I to be for Halloween?
Halloween comes on the same day every year, so it always amazes me that I am at a loss for ideas two pallid days away from the big day. I fantasize a couple months out about how I am going to outdo myself this year, yet I always end up pulling something out of my ass at the last minute, with mixed success.
A couple years ago I went as a "Page," after the political page scandal took down Mark Foley (the magnificently leotarded Republican Congressman from Florida) who solicited sex from one of his under-age pages. The costume was crudely made with pieces of ordinary copy paper. SO CLEVER...Pages of paper! WOW, what a stunning achievement! Not so much...
Occasionally I can put a critical-hit costume out of my ass. About a dozen years ago, after being a last-minute invite to a friend of a friend's Halloween fete, I quickly ran to an office supply store and bought an armful of colored-dot price stickers...the kind one uses for flea markets and sad church bake sales. Then I threw on the only suit I owned and covered every inch of the suit and my face/body in a web of polka-dots. Every year, this party apparently awarded one reveler as having the Best Costume. The winner was always chosen by the hostess' mother, who would be woken late in the evening and paraded through the throngs of guests to find the finest specimen. That fine year, it was me (of course)!
For the past ten years, I have also made countless over-ambitious threats to pull out THE ULTIMATE HALLOWEEN COSTUME: Dawn Wiener from Welcome to the Dollhouse. Specifically, the outfit Dawn wears during the anniversary party at the end of the movie. You know, the fantastic blue & white ruffled belly shirt and green leggings, complete with a pom-pom headband and heart earrings. It would give me the chance to utter one of my favorite quotes from any movie, when she says "Just because he's a faggot doesn't mean he's an asshole!" I am confident that if I ever, for once, actually plan ahead and start hitting thrift stores in September, I will amass all the gems I will need to make Todd Solondz proud. Sadly (for the world), it has yet to come to fruition.
Last week I was invited to an early Halloween party in the burbs (I know...CRAZY!), and I once again was forced to create a last-minute costume in a frenzy. Talking me down from a moment of unbelievable stress, my friend Kristen pointed out the obvious: I have more clothing in my closet (more like exploding out of my closet) than anyone else. Who am I kidding? I have a veritable vintage clothing store in my closet, covering at least 40 years of the 20th century. I settled on wearing a favorite charcoal pin-striped suit and going as "Ron from Accounting," complete with a gorgeous Pierre Cardin leather attache case from the 1960s. I thought it was pretty good, considering I had about 10 minutes to pull it together before I had to run out the door to catch the ride to the burbs for the party.
The other thing I always struggle with is going to a Halloween party in drag. I don't mean a drag queen, but a female "character." I've done that WAY too many times, but it's kind of too easy (Dawn Wiener being the ONLY exception, naturally). Of course a guy in a wig is funny! My thing is that I secretly deplore the idea of being "THE GAY GUY IN DRAG" at a party. It's too cliche! Straight guys can pull off drag costumes with aplomb because it's more ironic and ridiculous.
When something is really important, I never lie...I am always interested in generating awe, laughter and a little bit of jealousy with a costume. This year is no different. This Halloween is lining up to be rich with worthy parties, especially since it falls on a weekend this year. Tomorrow I am going on my yearly thrift store blitz, and I am hoping to find rich inspiration along the way.
Here's to hoping I stumble upon an endless rack of leggings and ruffled blouses!
